Back In Business

Hi. Girl Friday here. Just got my internet connection back. I'd been without it since that client who was paying me to find BillyBear skipped town and my weekly checks stopped coming in. I'd been holed up in the office here for weeks. I was afraid if I left, the landlord was going to padlock the door and keep all my stuff. If you think I'm gonna risk losing 31 pairs of handcuffs, you're jingle-brained.

Well, the client walks in out of the blue last week and dumps a suitcase full of C-notes on my desk. He said he had to dust out for a few months and lay low. Something about a couple of goons tailing him to try and put the grab on some recipe of his. He's got the recipe in a safe place now, so I'm back in business. First thing I did was to buy some new rags. Something classy to go with this hat.

So I got out the file on BillyBear, blew the dust off of it, and planned my next move. Here's what happened.

When I last saw Miss Tara, she fingered that big dame Giantess Gretchen as somebody who might know something about BillyBear's whereabouts. I had to really think long and hard about heading out to that island she lives on, because I remembered that time Little Bitchass got conned into flying out there and got herself into a jam with Big Gretchen. Well I'm no rube, and I decided then and there that if I was going out to that island, I wasn't gonna be a patsy and fly. I was smart. I decided I'd take a sea cruise.

I showed up on the dock at dawn the next morning. I found out that the cruise ship was really a rusty old tramp steamer. And no wisecracks about the tramp thing or I'll start squirting lead. As I started up the gangplank, I caught my heel in a knothole and dropped my suitcase into the water. I watched as it sank like a stone. The ship was ready to sail and I didn't have time to go back to the office and pack more clothes, so I had to make do with only what I had in my purse. Luckily I still had my roscoe tucked away between my cheaters and a blade on my thigh under a garter.

We pulled away from the dock and set a course for Giantess Island. Captain Morgan seemed confident that we'd find the island with no problem, and he showed me a well worn map showing it's location. The trip was pretty uneventful, but the crew made me nervous, and I kept my hand on my knife for most of the trip. Every time I'd walk past a couple of them, they'd look at my gams and rub their whiskers and mutter stuff that I couldn't quite hear to each other. I don't know what kind of movies these guys grew up watching, but they all had scary sounding names like Barnacle Bob, and Cutthroat Charlie. I was sure glad when the fog lifted one morning, and there, off our starboard bow, lay the unmistakable shape of Giantess Island. OK, I confess I had never seen Giantess Island before, and wouldn't know the shape of it if it bit me in the ass, but the big sign with blinking lights that said "Welcome To Giantess Island" pretty much convinced me that we had arrived.

I asked First Mate Black Dog how soon he could have the dingy lowered so I could go ashore and have a look around. Something I said must've struck him as pretty funny, because he started to laugh really hard. So hard in fact that he started coughing up some kind of brown fluid and making odd wheezing sounds. I was distracted by his display and never heard two of the crew come up behind me until I felt them giving me the bums rush and tossing me over the side. As I surfaced and gulped in a lungful of air, I remembered Bitchass's tale of mutant sharks. Terrified, I swam for shore with the sounds of insane laughter and wheezing echoing across the water.

I finally reached the beach and turned to watch the ship steaming away from the island. I wasn't too worried, because I figured that they just wanted to be a safe distance away in case the Giantess started to toss boulders in their direction, but at the same time, I began to think that I had probably bought a round trip ticket for nothing. I busied myself with wringing out my clothes, and had just finished when I heard a noise behind me and the next thing I knew, out went the lights.

As I slowly came to my senses, I became aware of a familiar smell. Tracer had shown me a group of dope addicts smoking Jujus once, and the smell was unmistakable. When my vision began to clear up, I realized that I was lying inside of a bamboo cage, and a guy was sitting just outside in a cloud of marijuana smoke. I instantly snapped to full alertness and realized that this was the guy who Bitchass wrote about... Giantess Gretchen's Toadie.... the infamous Pothead! He never made a sound. His eyes were half closed, but I could see his pupils moving and I knew that he was watching me. I did the best thing I could think of, and narrowed my eyes and gazed back at him. This eventually made him uncomfortable and he got up and silently shuffled off into the jungle overgrowth, leaving me alone. I took stock of my situation, and it didn't look good. The cage was sturdily built and I didn't see any way to open it. A thought came to me and I jammed my hand into my bra... good.... I still had my roscoe. Gretchen's toadie must've been too high to remember to frisk me.

I felt along my thigh and recognized the bulge of my knife. I slipped it out from under my garter and began to intently saw away at one of the pieces of bamboo. I never finished. A booming voice rang out from above, and when I looked up from my escape attempt, I saw a huge, shapely ankle in a red, strappy sandal just outside the cage. I looked to the other side of the cage and saw an almost identical ankle and sandal. Giantess Gretchen! The next thing I knew, the cage was lifted up into the air until it was level with a beautiful face framed by long, blonde hair. She looked at me quizzically, as if she had been expecting to see somebody else.

"Well little person, I've never seen you around here before. What brings you to my island and why should I not toss you to the sharks?"

'Your Majesty, my name is Girl Friday. I'm a private investigator, and I was hoping you might be able to help me locate somebody."

She raised one beautifully shaped eyebrow and hissed,

"Who sent you here?"

"Well, Your Hugeness, I was given your name by Miss Tara over at the LDW Building. She said she knew you and that you might know what happened to BillyBear."

"Ahhh yes.... Tara.... I know her well.... world renowned in the art of spanking... she has sent me many a yummy snack. What can you do for me in return for not tenderizing you on the hamster wheel and making a tasty lunch out of you?"

At that, I became alarmed and went into survival mode... my mind went blank and all I could think of was Bitchass...

"Your Giantessness, I know that you enjoy a glass of fresh pineapple juice every few hours, and I happen to know somebody who is very good at juicing giant pineapples. As a matter of fact, you used to have her as your personal pineapple juicer some time ago until she escaped the island."

The Giantess appeared a bit irritated when I brought up the fact that Bitchass had escaped, and her eyes narrowed and she started squeezing the cage tighter and tighter until the bamboo began to make cracking noises.

"Oh yes... that one... she did squeeze a mean pineapple... If you can get her back here for me, I'll tell you what I know about where BillyBear went. And whyever would you want to know that? He's a legendary pervert."

I felt bad about dropping dime on one of my best friends, but I needed to find out where BillyBear went for my client, because if I didn't, he might try to get that suitcase full of lettuce back, and I already spent a couple of large ones for some new office furniture. Besides, I knew that Bitchass was tough, and that she'd be able to get herself out of any jam she got into with Big Gretchen... After all, she did it before.

"OK Your Largeness, I'll deliver Little Bitchass to you. Now, what can you tell me about BillyBear?"

"If I tell you, you'd better come though for me on Pineapple Girl or I'll come looking for you and stomp you into a pancake."

"Yes, I understand."

"OK then, it's a deal. Now that that's done, I'll tell you what I know. BillyBear was here on the island over a year ago. He made a great airplane. He had a very aerodynamic shape and I was able to toss him way out beyond the shark reef. I haven't seen him or heard from him since."

"But Miss Gretchen, that doesn't help me. You said you'd tell me where he was."

"I said nothing of the sort. I told you I'd tell you what I knew. That's all I know. A deal is a deal. Now pay up!"

"But Your Hugeness, I can't deliver Bitchass to you if I don't find out where BillyBear is. The deal is off."

This seemed to enrage Big Gretchen, and she cracked open the bamboo and yanked me out of the cage and jammed me in between her giant bazoombas.

"Let's see how you like the hamster wheel, my little midday snack..."

As she stomped towards a fenced-in compound, I saw what looked to be a giant, bamboo hamster wheel with a candle under it, and recognized it from Bitchass's account of her visit to the island. Just as we were approaching the wheel, Big Gretchen tripped over Pothead, who had conveniently passed out on the ground right in front of her. She pitched forward and landed with a thud, the impact popping me out from between her mammoth mammaries and shooting me halfways to the beach. Before she could react, I was up and running for my life. As I struggled in the deep sand in my heels, I heard Giantess Gretchen's booming voice, and large boulders started landing on either side of me. I looked back and saw her striding towards me, eating up the distance between us with alarming speed.

Just as I was about to give up hope, I noticed a second deafening sound. The sand around me was blowing all around, and a rope ladder dropped from the sky right beside me. With nothing left but my survival instinct, I reached for the ladder and held it in a deathgrip and was lifted up and away from the hail of boulders. I slowly and carefully climbed the ladder and was pulled inside of the helicopter by a pair of arms. I looked up and saw.... my client?

"Well that wasn't very smart, Friday. I can't get any return on my investment if you go and get turned into lunch, now can I?"

I wanted to paste him in the kisser for that crack, but then I remembered that I was a professional, and that he was a client. It helped to remember that suitcase full of dough too. I just smiled weakly and sagged back into the seat and drifted off to sleep.

So that's how it happened. I guess this latest outing didn't turn out any better than the ones before. I'm still no closer to finding BillyBear than I was when I started. This sure is a tough nut to crack. But don't worry, I'll find him...

Girl Friday


::Friday pours a double shot of Old Bushmills, lights up a gasper, kicks off her shoes and puts her feet up on the desk, and gets back to studying the BillyBear case file.::