Now We're Gettin' Somewhere...

For Chapter I, go here.

Chapter II
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As I waited, I scoped out the steady stream of people who passed by me on their way to the reception desk.  After a short conversation, the receptionist would stamp something on the backs of their hands and then point them to one of the elevators that lined both sides of the lobby.  They all seemed to be clients of some sort, and all of them looked kinda nervous and tense as they talked with the receptionist.  A lot of them were rubbing up against the corners of the desk like they had an itch that they couldn't scratch.  As they chatted, I kept noticing the receptionist giving me the evil eye over the shoulders of the clients.  I felt in my bra for my roscoe, relieved that it hadn't fallen out while I was scraping the gum off of my shoe.  Even so, things were still looking a little hinky, so I kept one hand on the blade I had stashed in a garter under my skirt. And so I waited and I waited.  Eventually I dozed off.

I was jolted awake by the sound of a gong coming from the far end of the room behind the receptionist.  All heads in the room swiveled around in the direction of the sound, so I stood up and tried to see what all the hubbub was about.  There was another elevator door all by itself in the far wall.  It was larger than all of the others and had gold doors and expensive gold scrollwork surrounding it. My keen powers of observation told me that this was the VIP elevator.

As I watched, the doors slid open and some kind of procession started moving slowly out into the room.  There were four big palookas dressed in not much more than leather thongs carrying a fancy looking gold chair on poles. Standing on either side of the chair were two more guys dressed like the other guys, but they were waving big feather fans around.  Sitting in the chair was a real classy looking dame wearing a crown.  She was dressed in a shiny gold set of threads with a slit up one side that showed off a set of slinky gams that put mine to shame.  She obviously had never been shot in her knees like I had though.  Still, I was more than a little jealous.

I was shaken out of my trance when a stapler bounced off of the side of my head, knocking my fedora sideways.  I turned and looked in the direction that it came from, and caught sight of the receptionist, who was furiously waving me over with an impatient look on her face.  Rubbing the growing lump on the side of my head, I walked over to the desk.

That's Headmistress Ally.  She's the Big Cheese around here and she came all the way down from her penthouse just to see you, so make sure you show her the proper respect, you dolt!

I sized up the situation and then headed over to where the boys had set down the chair.  I walked up to the chair and held out my hand to the still seated Headmistress.

Hello Ally, I'm Gir....

*CRACK!*

OWWW!  Motherfu....

*CRACK!*

I felt an excruciating pain in the backs of my knees that hurt almost as bad as it did when I used to get shot there by my boss.  I crashed to the floor into a kneeling position.  Turning my head to see what had just happened, I saw the receptionist standing there, brandishing a stiff cane, like she was about to give me another kiss with it.

I said proper respect, you idiot!

She didn't have to tell me twice, so I tried again, this time from the kneeling position.

Hello Headmistress Ally.  My name is Girl Friday and I...

I know who you are and I know why you're here, so let's say we dispense with any of the trivial stuff and get down to brass tacks, shall we?

But of course, Headmistress, thank you for taking the time to come all the way down to speak with me.

Well, I was just heading out for lunch with my boys anyway, so it was really not much of an inconvenience.

I became aware of an unfamiliar sound from behind me and noticed that the receptionist was slowly tapping the cane against the side of her leg.  It looked like she was getting ready to paste me again, so I turned my attention back to Ms Ally while keeping the receptionist in my line of sight at the same time.

So, Girl Friday, my staff informs me that you're here to inquire about the possibility of being retained as an investigator.  I've been told that you're a real dick.  We don't often see female dicks here in Paradise, so I'm inclined to offer you the chance to check into a small but rather aggravating situation for me, even if you did break my favorite moose head.

Beads of perspiration formed on my forehead.  I'd completely forgotten about the moose head.


It seems that someone with an axe to grind has alerted the Dirty Language Division of the FCC to the fact that one of my Empresses has been using the F-word rather frequently on her radio program.  I can't risk having my FCC license pulled, so I'd like you to find out who the whistle-blower is, and why they decided to cause me this unnecessary headache.  Once you find the snitch, I'll take it from there.

Headmistress Ally, I'm not clear on something... you mentioned the F- word. What do......

You know!  The F-word! Fuck!  Do you live under a rock or something? Fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck!  Is that clear enough for you?

Geez, why is she getting so irritated?

Oh, OK, I think I get the picture now.

After a few seconds, she continued...

You've obviously met Miss Christine, my Security Chief and Good Manners Coach, and I'm going to turn you over to her and have her take you upstairs to meet with Empress Constance, the radio host that I mentioned earlier.  She'll give you any information you might need to help you track down the offending party.

OK boys, I'm getting kinda peckish here and the lunch special down at the Paradise Shrimp Palace doesn't last all afternoon you know. Good luck, Friday, you'll be well compensated if your investigation is successful.

With that, her bearers picked her chair back up and headed for the front door. A couple of the bearers must've been new though, because they miscalculated a little on the height of the door opening, causing Ms Ally to bump her noodle on the door frame, knocking off her crown in the process.

Goddammit!  Pick that up you jerks!  Shit, why is it so hard to get good bearers these days?

Before I could even react to that, I was roughly snatched up by my shoulders and into a standing position by Miss Christine..

OK you dick, let's go see Empress Constance, and don't try any funny stuff in the elevator or I'm gonna have to hurt you.

Super!  I've got a goose egg on my bean and a pair of ugly purple stripes across the backs of my knees, and I hadn't even got out of the lobby yet.  Now I'm no weak sister, but I decided then and there that if I wanted to get paid, I'd better play along.  Next thing I knew,  Miss Christine was giving me the bums rush over to one of the other elevators and when the doors opened, she shoved me inside and stepped in behind me.  I sat on the floor to ease the throbbing in my knees and kept my hand on my blade during the uneasy trip up to the 13th floor and my meeting with Empress Constance....

(to be continued)

Girl Friday